Arranging to leave at Ten O’clock was optimistic, after a days paddling then a night of working till 2am It was with a lot of effort I got out of bed. I’d woken a few times in the night with the rain pelting my sky-lite directly above my bed, so it was with a constant reminder that the rivers were going to be high that I slipped in and out of consciousness.
Wether it was tiredness or concerns about the levels on a river that would be challenging for me in medium levels I would have quite liked for Matt or Ben to call the day off but they arrived and in my head I told myself that I was just tired and it was going to be as good as yesterday. Though I knew I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.
I have come to realise that paddling for me is very much a mental game as well as physical. If I am not in the right frame or “feeling it” even familiar rapids looks harder, I’m not keen to go first, I wait in the eddy too long thinking how this could go wrong instead of remembering my line and when I finally commit to the rapid my posture is too rigid and my strokes lack any thought or conviction. What I have not come to realise is how to remedy this mental state.
Walking out my door with my kit bag I see the back of someones head looking round hopefully. Paddy Cave has spotted a car full of boats and is looking round for the owner to tag on to the trip. So with an extra paddler to the group we head to the get out of the river Sprint.
The water was high as we paddled through a canalised section branches hungover a lot of the section and we soon learnt to paddle with some distance between the next person to stop the branches whipping back to your eyes. We managed to squeeze through most, though they made me feel uneasy and I was looking forward to the river widening. I was not too get through unscathed though. Trying to get through a thick patch I lifted my head too early and was pushed to the back of my deck with one hand trying to push it clear and the other keeping the paddle low and to the side of my boat I cursed with annoyance and took a breath as I began to go over. Underwater I felt a surge of anger and tried to set up my paddle for the roll one brought me back into trees and I was kept over. The second snagged almost immediately, I held on as the boat on the surface of the water carried on, pulling me from my tucked protected position to stretched to my full length underwater to the back of my boat. Opening my eyes I looked for my paddle and saw the blade caught under a bent tree root and bailed. Rupert went back to retrieve my paddle as I emptied my boat feeling miserable and angry.
Ten minutes later we came to another thick set of thin wirey branches, I immediately decided I was just going to walk round this section. Then watching everyone get through though not with much style I decided to go for it resulting in being pushed over and bailing again. I was furious with myself I shouldn’t have tried to paddle through. It wasn’t a fun section, it wasn’t really a technically challenging and I could have taken five steps to get over it. If I had paddled it successfully I wouldn’t have enjoyed it, it wasn’t what paddling was about for me. What was this force that had kept me in my boat? It wasn’t determination I presume now it was pride keeping me in and trying to push through. Pride and stupidity can sit next to each other quite comfortably in kayaking. These were not big events I am not trying to glamorise the paddling but that same attitude one day could get me and my group in a serious predicament.
I then began to make a concious effort to get into the right mind set. On the easier rapids before S- Bend I made more use of the features, aimed for more eddys and paddled with controlled aggresive strokes to try displace some of the frustration.
We arrived at S- Bend apparently the most technical rapid of the run and I felt better, but not 100%, it I felt more like I had painted over my lack of confidence rather than over come it.
I inspected the drop and watched a couple people take on the rapid. Rupert went just before me and I watched as he managed to get through but it wasn’t pretty and I felt grateful for being in a creek boat. I gave Paddy the nod to tell him I was setting off next, I picked my line and walked up to the bank and into my boat. I was filled with a good/positive fear. Messing this up would be painful but I had picked a good line and knew I could hit it it was the first time I had felt good all trip, I also knew if I didn’t nail this then I wouldn’t be able to get out of this slump and the river and self doubt would have won.
I punched through the lead in with a well timed stroke like I wanted, the water took me further than expected and I took advantage by sneaking into a micro eddy with a flurry of strokes, a glance over my shoulder and I made for the second part of the rapid convinced I had it in the bag. I waited for my other planned stroke pulling on a covered rock to keep me away from the wall and pillow that had tripped Rupert, grinning I broke out next to Paddy with satisfaction and underlying relief.
Unfortunately I think the outcome of my day was already set. Feeling confident we made our way down to the next major rapid, Garnets Bridge. I had read my line on the drive to the get on where we had stopped on way up, though the rest of river had wiped my memory clean and it was very much read and run but I knew it was relatively straight forward. I started my way down river and maybe a little too relaxed I was caught unaware and off balance, no fear is probaly more dangerous than good fear. I was pushed over to my left side and was over I went to roll at the same times as I took a big knock from a submerged rock, a blinding pain shot from my shoulder and for the first time in my paddling life I knew I was off the river immediately. Still in the boat I took two more knocks but the sharp pain had gone, but I knew my shoulder was weak and the paddle left my hands. I came to the surface and held the back of my boat ready to use it to punch of rocks if need be and take me down the rest of the rapid the force on my shoulder holding the boat was painful but the tension felt good.
With the help of others we got my boat into the eddy and I stood on the bank, I signalled to the others I was finished for the day and we discussed what to do. Kate helped me up the steep bank I pulled on tree roots and made sure of my foot placements as my left arm lay limp by my side. I stashed my boat and paddle in a bush and told the others to carry on. I would walk to the get on too keep warm and stay in one of the cars till they could get to the shuttle point. I convinced them to all go I didn’t want to ruin there trip, they reluctantly agreed and I was grateful for there concern. I pulled a climbing sling from my BA and made a collar and cuff set up to keep my shoulder supported and set off up the road. The frustration had ebbed away and now shame set in. I had sometimes thought it would be quite heroic to get injured on a hard river but of course It was now blindingly obvious it wasn’t. I wasn’t up to that river on this particular day but I tricked myself into thinking it would be ok and now I was confident I wouldn’t paddle for a month, I could/maybe still have ruined my new job as an outdoor instructor and would have put a downer on everyones day. There was nothing noble or interesting about it. Frustration swept over me again, on the road up I made a promise to myself to take something away from this, something will be gained by my misjudgment.
I have taken some very obvious lessons from it.
* Don’t take pointless risks.
* Paddle for myself get what I want from the day.
* Sometimes the best option is just to leave it for another day.
Others are more deep founded and I’m not sure if it can be put into words. Maybe it is just general experience or maybe it will become more apparent the next time I am on a river.
Take it easy out there,
Leave a comment on your thoughts opinions, constructive criticism always welcome..
